Okay, so this one is gonna be hard to do.. Sure I’ve had heartbreaks before. I had 2 official boyfriends and some unofficial ones before my now husband and they all ended in a heartbreak, mine. Out of the official ones, one was 3 months and the other one was just a month, but still. I emotionally invested myself into those relationships.
How can you emotionally invest yourself in a person whom you’ve never met before you might ask? That question yields many answers, but they aren’t very easy to type out.
- You change your eating habits to benefit the person growing inside of you by cutting out all the junk food, and replace it with fruits and veggies, proteins etc.
- Your body itself makes some drastic changes moving organs and what not around to fit the person growing inside you.
- You download the Bump app and track your unborn’s progress. How much he/she would be weighing in at this week. What fruit or vegetable matches the size of your growing embryo. What new milestones will he/she hit this week?
- You make appointments with your midwife/doctor.
- Plan your calendar out week by week and write the due date down with a big ol’ heart around it.
- You try to decide when to tell people your pregnant if you haven’t spilled the beans already.
- And many more.
Your heart, body, mind and soul are revolving around the little one who is making a home in your body for the next 9 months. Even though you haven’t met them, you don’t even know their name, yet you love and cherish them. You want to protect them ever since you got the positive test result… And then days, weeks, maybe months later your heart breaks when you find out that you have lost them.
For me, it was 7 1/2 weeks after I got those two little lines. I was 11 1/2 weeks pregnant when we lost our baby. I hadn’t felt such pain before, such sadness amd emptiness. It happened December 26th, 2017, but lets back up just a tad. The week prior to this happening, I experienced some spotting. We had a midwife appointment and she said it was normal to have some spotting after intercourse, which is what I had originally thought was the cause because it started the day after. A couple days passed and it didn’t stop, I was starting to worry even more now but still wasn’t experiencing any pain. My midwife was so helpful and even met us in a gas station parking lot half way to her office with her Doppler machine to see if we could find the baby’s heartbeat. We couldn’t find it, but heard the placenta pumping so thought things were alright. She put me on a couple herbs, vitamins and bed rest. We tried to get an ultrasound sound but with it being around Christmas, our local pregnancy help center was closed and wouldn’t open back up until after the new year. What luck and bad timing, huh? Christmas day came and continued with our planned visits to my parent’s house and my husband’s parents with me trying to relax as much as possible. The next day my hubby returned to work and that morning my midwife found another midwife about an hour away from us who had an ultrasound machine. We were going to go as soon as my husband got off work around 5. When he got home we left, I had started experiencing some pain an hour or so before, but thought it was just the fact that I hadn’t had a bowl movement that day or gas or something. It wasn’t really bad cramping that I thought would happen or read about happening during a miscarriage. All of a sudden I felt like I HAD to use the restroom, so we pulled over to a little gas station and I ran in. In that gas station bathroom is where I believe I lost our baby. The Lord spared me from seeing my little one because it was the whole sac and placenta that came out at once. I’m grateful for not having to see the face of our little person, what I did see has haunted me enough. After that passed, I went back out to the car and told my husband of my fears. Another rush came and I ran back into the bathroom. My husband followed me in, and was such a huge help. He called our midwife and we came up with a game plan. He is a big blessing to me. We cleaned things up and he got me some maxi pads and we were on our way to the other midwife to get an ultrasound.
When we arrived there she was ready for us. We did the ultrasound and she thought she still saw the baby in there but couldn’t be 100% certain. Since I had lost a lot of blood and was continuing to do so, she urged us to go to the hospital that was 15 minutes away from her and in Jefferson City, Missouri. We went into the emergency room and they got me in almost immediately. They took me back to a prepping room where they inserted a couple IV’s and drew some more blood for tests. (I hate getting blood drawn and poked so this was an overall not fun experience for me.) After she drew the blood I started to feel dizzy. They quickly put me in a chair and rolled me into an emergency room and somewhere along the way I ended up passing out only to wake up lying in a hospital bed minutes later. They were trying to rush me into surgery for a D&C but I was adamant against it. They had called for the on call OB and we were waiting for her to get there. They brought in an ultrasound machine and did an ultrasound buy one of the probes in the wand was broken so they couldn’t get a good read. They thought the baby was still in there too. They called the actual ultrasound tech in who lived a good 45 minutes away and were waiting on her to come and do another ultrasound with her machine. During that time, there was a guy who came into the ER and was needing surgery done for a food bolus that would take place in the same room my D&C would be, but I was still adamant about not wanting to go through surgery. So they went ahead and put that guy’s surgery before me. There was one nurse/doctor (not sure which she was) who listened to me and when the OB arrived she told her how I was feeling. I thank God for those two women who listened to me and took my wishes into account. My parents got there around this time and were a huge comfort to me. It was also good to have our almost 2 year old son with us in there as well, because he was a big stress reliever. Before the ultrasound tech got there, we were talking with the OB telling her our side of the story. She suggested that we say a prayer and asked if my dad would have the honors of doing so. He prayed, and almost as soon as he was done the ultrasound tech came in and did the ultrasound. There was no baby, just a really big blood clot, which was relieving and saddening all at the same time but an answer to prayer nonetheless. They gave me a couple pills to progress things more quickly and within a hour or two, I was able to pass the clot on my own, no surgery needed!! They kept me over night and gave me a couple blood transfusions. They said I needed probably 13 of those transfusions to make up for all the blood I lost. My husband stayed with me and my parents took our son to their house for the night so he could get some sleep.
Saying I was happy to get those IV’s out and to get home the next day is an understatement of a lifetime. Looking back now I know that God was with us every step of the way even though I felt alone while it was all happening. I know He used us to be able to witness in some way to the nurses and doctors that took care of us.
One night, about a week and a half after this all happened, I couldn’t sleep whatsoever. I had different lines of a poem running through my head and I needed to write them down or in this case compose them into a notepad on my phone. As soon as I finished typing them in, I received this peace and calmness, almost like a sense of release. I was able to fall asleep almost immediately. I believe God gave me those words to help both me, as well as other women who have gone through the same thing or something very similar. I want to share my story with you all to let you know that you aren’t alone. There are many other women that have gone through a miscarriage. There were people that had one, that I didn’t know about who reached out to me after I posted it on Facebook. Some people I knew, and others that I didn’t. It’s not your fault and please don’t beat yourself up about it. I still struggle with it from day to day asking myself what could I have done different? What could I have changed? Where could I have been more careful? I have so many friends who are currently pregnant, and though I am happy for them, I honestly struggle with jealousy and sadness sometimes. I should be in the same boat as them, but I’m not. I have to trust in God’s plan and that He knows what’s best for us. So here it is, the fruits of my late night insomnia. I hope it helps you in some way find comfort and if you know of someone who needs some comfort, please feel free to share.